Remembering what wellbeing looks like in a world distracted by counterfeits

Effective study of counterfeit money starts with understanding, intimately, what is real. The simple truth is that no one can identify the fake without knowing the real thing in a deep, familiar, and instinctual way. The truth is that only the real thing can be contrasted against something that feels suspicious. This is true not only in money but in other areas of life. Including our wellbeing.

The sad truth is, as a society, we’re unwell. Both physically and mentally. So much so that it is pervasive.

As a result, we spend a lot of time discussing what bad looks like.

• Our society’s physical health challenges, with seven in ten Americans overweight.
• Our mental health challenges, with almost one in four Americans struggling with mental illness.

We spend a great deal of time looking closely at what is wrong in an effort to understand the root of these challenges and to deal with them. And we should. We are tackling a wellness epidemic of seismic proportions. But amidst the many different evaluations of what bad looks like, we can lose sight of the standard.

The fog of our many problems clouds our vision, obscuring our destination. For many of us, after years of staring into the fog, we can no longer see what wellness looks like.

The important details of our healthy standard are forgotten after years of squinting at counterfeits. Each day creates greater distance from our recollection of good. The ever-growing distance makes us feel more and more challenged in recalling a nuanced vision of wellness.

Our difficulty in this task, which should feel easy, deepens our despair. The difficulty of simply describing wellness makes it feel like an unreachable destination.

So what does a healthy person look like?

Healthy people are easy to talk to

Healthy people have solid conversational skills. They listen actively. They are present, both physically and mentally, in the entire conversation. When you have finished a conversation with a healthy person, you feel connected to that person. As we all know, connection does not happen when we understand someone, but instead when they understand that we understand. When you are talking to someone healthy, you feel seen. Understood.

Healthy people are secure

Healthy people have become secure in themselves by looking in, not out. They do not grasp for external validation because they have come to a place where they both see and accept themselves. They are comfortable voicing opinions, even if those opinions are not accepted. They are able to take criticism. To give criticism constructively. Healthy people don’t expend energy trying to conform to what they think others might expect of them because they are living within the expectations they have for themselves.

Healthy people get help

Some of us have a stigma associated with asking for help. I’m a man. I feel this deeply in both asking for directions and in more important areas. As though receiving help is a form of weakness when, in fact, it is the ultimate show of strength. Healthy people do not take a solo-or-bust approach to life’s challenges. Instead, when they have come to the end of themselves, they ask for help. They understand that we all face burdens in life that are larger than we can carry. That we are expanded, not diminished, when we are helped. As the old proverb goes, if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

Healthy people respect themselves

Healthy people make persistently healthy choices. They make good food choices. They exercise. They do not feel pressured by the crowd to go along with things that would have a negative affect on their wellbeing, because they have too much self respect. They know who they are. Their clarity about their beliefs and principles shapes their responses to life’s challenges, making them appear unaffected by social pressures. This is why peer pressure does not seduce them into poor decisions. They are guided by internal values not external influences.

Healthy people respect others

They do not demand from others or impose their expectations. Instead they give others the space to be themselves. Free from pressure to conform. They are secure enough in themselves that they do not need others to share their opinions. Like their likes. Hate their hates. They cheer people on. Celebrating the triumphs of others without feeling diminished by their growth. They do not feel compelled to control, compare, or compete.

Healthy people are open and honest

Marcus Aurelius perfectly captured the essence of an honest person when he said, “the straight forward and good person should be like a smelly goat — you know when they are in the room with you.” Honesty is not the absence of lies. It is the presence of truth. Healthy people speak truth into situations that lack it. Without abuse. Without judgment. They are direct, unambiguous, and entirely heard. Most importantly, they are all of these things in situations where the truth is uncomfortable.

Healthy people are balanced

Healthy people live with their life truly at the center of their being. Many of us place our jobs, egos, relationships, reputations, or an endless list of other distractions at the core of who we are. In contrast, healthy people are not consumed by a single element of their lives. They embrace all parts, integrated, and balanced without needing to be in equilibrium. Where things can be both in tension and balanced. They navigate life with positive energy, alignment, and grounded in a deep sense of purpose.

Healthy people have boundaries

Healthy people say no. They protect their time, energy, and well being. They avoid being so distracted by the needs or expectations of others that they lose sight of their own needs. They are not isolated, but instead engage with the world in a way that does not compromise themselves. In this way, they avoid burnout, maintain emotional clarity, and foster healthy relationships with others.

Healthy people have compassion — for themselves

Healthy people set high standards for themselves without falling into perfectionism. They pursue their goals with passion and dedication while holding the outcome of that pursuit lightly. On an open palm. Not in a clenched fist. Recognizing growth is not a straight line, they find it more important to see constant progress than reach a specific destination. Healthy people see mistakes as tuition — a necessary price paid in exchange for growth. Their openness to making mistakes gives them room to innovate. To take risks. To try something new. Healthy people have rejected the pressure to appear flawless. They embrace authenticity, living life imperfectly as themselves and enjoying the ride.

Healthy people have compassion — for others

They are able to both hold compassion for themselves and extend it outward. They listen without judging. Healthy people empower others to navigate their challenges. Supporting them without robbing them of their initiative. They are understanding, embracing both struggles and triumphs from a place of empathy and kindness. They check up on people. They lend a hand. They advocate. Where a healthy person walks, ripples of positivity emanate from them and the fingerprints they leave on everything they’ve touched along the way.

Most importantly, healthy people have transcended themselves

Healthy people do not live solely for personal success or validation. Instead, they are concerned with a contribution to the greater good. They have come to understand that real fulfillment comes not through achievement or accolades. No, healthy people measure success through creating value. Helping people. Not so concerned with how much they have, but where and how much they give. Their time. Their energy. Their focus. Needing to direct all they give to the advancement of a purpose greater than themselves. Because they have transcended themselves, they see the world with compassion and clarity, being able to take action that serves both their well-being and the greater good. Their connections to others give them a deep sense of satisfaction that is more enduring, and important, than the transient high any specific accomplishment may bring.

***

Like this article? Join my list for a free weekly newsletter with articles, insights, and tips on how to build a better version of yourself.

***

Originally published in Pragmatic Wisdom on Medium.